My dance with the black dog

I suffer quite badly from depression and anxiety. Partly because of the constant grief I feel over my hubby and his HD. I often get told to suck it up and get on with life. This is probably the worse thing you can say. I’ve been told by my own family that I’m doing it for attention. I’m not. I don’t enjoy feeling low and crying when people speak to me. I don’t enjoy being in a state of nothingness and being called lazy. I don’t enjoy feeling absolutely exhausted, beyond the point of tiredness every single day, sometimes I don’t even eat because I can’t muster the energy. I often have to force myself to do things for my family, organise days out, organise day to day life,tea,shopping,bills,etc etc. What people don’t realise is that I’m living the life of a single person most days. I hAve to organise everything, I don’t get help from the hubby. I have to be both mum and dad to the boys. I have to be the fun police. I have to be the voice of authority. I have to be in control 100% of the time. I also have to hold down a full time job.

Today, I’ve had a bad day. My heart has pounded like it’s going to burst out of my chest. It feels like when you get butterflies like when you go on a roller coaster ride. I’ve been snappy and angry. I’ve been withdrawn. I’ve probably had about 10 conversation’s during the whole day. 

My hubby currently isn’t speaking to me. He wanted to go out somewhere today, but couldn’t tell me where. He wanted to go shopping but didn’t say, then when I was ready to get going refused. He didn’t want to go out for a meal. Now it’s all my fault. This, ladies and gentlemen is the joys of HD.  This is only the tip of the iceberg, it’s all a downhill journey. There’s no cure. Eventually, he won’t be able to eat, move or speak without assistance. I don’t worry about the physical effects it’s the mental effects of this evil disease I hate. It’s days like these when I spiral into depression. Just like that. I don’t think I will ever get better, I do think I could manage my life better. Days like these I hug my boys a little tighter and kiss them one more time because they don’t deserve to see their dad and their mum in a state. So I paint on my smile and force myself into being.

Positive thoughts xx

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