Its been a beautiful day of sunshine today, bear and i went swimming this morning just the two of us as my eldest was at a birthday party. He had a great lesson and came out with another certificate.
Its been a nice end to what i can only describe as a really awful month. Sadly my uncle passed away on the 25th after a short battle with cancer. Its heartbreaking, naturally my mum has been devastated and i wish there was something more i could do for her. Its just been one of those months were everything goes wrong or brakes. In another sad twist to the tale my uncles funeral is going to be on my sons birthday. I went to check in with my gp and she was reluctant to give me the medication the hospital psychiatrist said would be beneficial. She upped my anti depressant dosage but wouldnt put it on repeat for me. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks and i think she will try and lower it again. I dont really know how i feel about that. Obviously no one wants to rely on medication long term, but when you are having regular suicidal thoughts you struggle to get out of bed in the morning and the headaches and need for afternoon naps start then i think its time to admit you need a bit more help. Ive not taken any photos of my knitting, and if im honest i havent taken the time to package anything like i normally would either. I just feel so empty and depressed and i find i have to force myself to do anything. Even small tasks like making tea suddenly require this huge effort.
I hope its just another wave of grief and it will get better not worse. I really miss the old me. The happy me. The kind and loving me. Not this grouchy permanently tired empty me.